


Now, Count Up Your Feelings!

by predilection



Category: Kamen Rider Series, Kamen Rider W (Double)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-17 03:32:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3513704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/predilection/pseuds/predilection
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shotaro tries to hide the way he feels about Philip. Philip notices.</p><p>(Otherwise known as "the fic with the tropes".)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now, Count Up Your Feelings!

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written as a "five times Shotaro and Philip kissed" fic, but then it developed a plot and the tropes start multiplying. I wrote this fic because I wanted to write something silly, cheesy and fun. Some angst snuck into this fic, but it's still ridiculous and there's a happy ending.
> 
> This fic is set sometime between episodes 19 and 30. I wrote this as I was watching those episodes for the first time (this was the first W fic I wrote) so I didn't quite have a feel for the characters yet. This also means that this fic does _not_ contain spoilers for the finale. 
> 
> Warnings: [vague spoilers for the fic] There are a few descriptions of canon-level violence and a character gets hit with a dart that puts a truth serum into their system and makes them talk.

**one**

Shotaro didn't like this plan. He really didn't.

It all started three days ago. Watcherman had informed Shotaro that the prime suspect of their current case -- a bitter CEO who had likely gotten their hands on a Gaia Memory and was attacking seemingly random industrial locations -- was going to be holding a ball for society bigwigs and potential customers. Terui had used one of his own contacts to score two sets of invitations. 

The suspect and his goons knew what Shotaro looked like and after a few run-ins, didn't like him very much, which was why Shotaro tried to sit still in his chair as Philip and Akiko helped him with a disguise.

"Is this really necessary?" Shotaro grumbled as they tied his hair up under a mesh cap and shoved a blond wig on his head. He frowned at his reflection in the mirror they handed him. He looked great in the two piece suit Akiko had rented for him (even if it wasn't made by Windscale), but the blond hair washed him out and made him feel ridiculous. It didn't help that the wig was itchy.

"It'll be bad if they recognize you," Philip reminded him. 

Akiko inspected Shotaro's new look and grinned. "I'm a genius!" 

Shotaro glared at her. She didn't have to wear a disguise. She and Terui could go as themselves since their suspect had no idea who they were.

Shotaro reached for a black fedora and Akiko swatted at his hand.

"Hey!"

"You're going undercover, remember?" she said.

Shotaro sighed. It was going to be a long night.

*

"You're not coming," Shotaro said again. "Terui says members of the Sonozaki family might be there, and they have been after you in the past."

"I'm coming," Philip insisted. "This isn't about me. This is about making sure you have the best cover. According to my research, you'll be more noticeable if you attend alone."

"What if they recognize you?" Shotaro asked. "It's not worth the risk, even in disguise."

Philip just smiled at him. "Give me a half hour to get changed."

* 

When Philip emerged from the back, he was wearing the same dark brown wig he had used to impersonate Wakana. He was also wearing a long dark purple dress that went from his neck all the way to the floor. From the looks of it, it was padded to give Philip curves he definitely hadn't had earlier. Shotaro idly wondered where it had come from.

"You look so beautiful, Philip!" Akiko exclaimed, running up to him and examining him from multiple angles. 

Shotaro privately thought that Philip looked good all the time, but as always in these situations, he kept his thoughts to himself.

"I still think this is a bad idea," Shotaro said, but he realized it was a token protest. Philip wouldn't have put all that effort into getting dressed up if he wasn't determined to go.

Philip walked over to him, and when he got closer, Shotaro realized that Philip was slightly taller than him. He looked down. Philip was wearing a pair of black heels.

Philip put a hand on Shotaro's wrist and eagerly dragged him towards the bathroom. He pulled Shotaro until he was standing next to Philip in front of the mirror, and then hooked their arms together.

"Look," Philip said, nodding towards their reflections. "No one is going to recognize either of us."

Shotaro had to admit that Philip was right. Staring back at them was a handsome couple that even Shotaro didn't immediately identify as Philip and himself. 

"Okay," Shotaro said, and for the first time he thought that this might actually work. "But we'll let Terui and Akiko stay late to watch the suspect. You and I will go in, collect the intel, and get out before we even have a chance of getting caught."

*

They were going to get caught. 

Shortly after they had arrived, Shotaro and Philip had snuck upstairs and entered the suspect's study. Even though Shotaro had failed to find the documents they were looking for, Philip had noticed that three of the eight historical photographs on the walls were of locations that had recently been attacked. Philip had made a note of the locations in the photographs while Shotaro had snapped pictures of them with Bat.

It was then that they heard voices in the hall -- voices that belonged to people who were obviously coming closer, and from the sounds of it, heading for the study. A quick glance around the room told Shotaro that there were no hiding places that were big enough to fit a person. 

He caught Philip's eye. They were in trouble and they both knew it. What possible reason could they have to be upstairs, let alone in the study, of all places? Moreover, if security got a good look at him, their cover would be blown.

"I have an idea," Philip said. 

They had ten, maybe twenty seconds before they were discovered. "Alright," Shotaro said, because short of jumping out a very high window, he was out of ideas. 

Without any warning, Philip placed a hand over the center of Shotaro's chest and backed him up against the nearest wall. Philip tilted his head and leaned in towards Shotaro. Shotaro realized what he was likely going to do and, in shock, pushed him away.

"What are you doing?" Shotaro asked.

"I need you to kiss me," Philip replied.

Shotaro was having trouble processing what was happening. "What? No!" 

"They're going to catch us," Philip said, matter of fact. "This way our presence here won't seem suspicious. Kiss me," he instructed.

Shotaro wasn't going to kiss Philip, especially not here and not like this. Not when he knew that Philip had never been kissed. Not when he knew that Philip had no desire to kiss him.

The voices were right outside the door and Shotaro swore. He grabbed Philip by his forearms and pivoted, reversing their positions so that he was the one pushing Philip up against the wall. As he heard the telltale sound of the doorknob being turned, Shotaro pulled down Philip's collar and placed a closed-mouth kiss on the skin he uncovered. He hoped that from the door it would look a lot less chaste than it really was.

Philip caught on quickly. He buried one of his hands in Shotaro's wig and with his other hand he grabbed Shotaro's hip. He leaned his head back until it collided with the wall with a soft thud, giving Shotaro better access to his neck. As the door opened and someone shouted, "Hey! You can't be in here!", Philip groaned loudly.

A moment later, Shotaro and Philip pulled away from each other like they were surprised to be caught. Shotaro hid his face in his hands and Philip kept his head down, pretending he was embarrassed of the seemingly compromising position they had been found in. Shotaro muttered an apology as he grabbed Philip by the arm and hurried him out of the room. They ran for the stairs, and to Shotaro's surprise, no one followed them.

They made for the front door and it was only after they were around the corner from the estate and breathing in the in the crisp night air that Shotaro breathed a sigh of relief. 

*

Shotaro pulled off the wig the moment they were back in the office. He was in the process of removing his suit jacket when Philip, still in his full disguise, said, "I'm curious about something. Back in the study, why didn't you kiss me?"

"I did kiss you," Shotaro pointed out, grimacing. He was trying not to think about it. He didn't want to remember the way Philip had looked at him when he leaned forward for a kiss, or the way he sounded when he pretended Shotaro was ravishing his neck.

"You know what I mean," Philip said, oddly insistent. "I know that you find me good-looking, even in this attire, so why did you refuse?"

Shotaro's hands stilled for a moment. Apparently Philip had noticed that Shotaro was attracted to him, despite Shotaro's best efforts to hide his feelings until they went away. That was bad.

Well, technically it was _mortifying_ more than it was bad. Shotaro wasn't going to act on what he felt, and he was very sure Philip would consider his feelings to be an odd quirk rather than anything meaningful. It wasn't like Philip felt the same.

Shotaro finished pulling off his jacket and threw it onto a nearby chair. He turned away from Philip and began to pull off his tie. This wasn't a conversation he wanted to have, but he owed Philip an answer. "I didn't need to kiss you," Shotaro said.

"But you could have anyway," Philip pointed out. 

Shotaro spun around, suddenly feeling very tired. "I wasn't going to take advantage of you."

Philip was watching him carefully. His brows furrowed when he asked, "Is that what you were worried about?"

Shotaro threw his tie on top of the jacket and began to work on the buttons of his shirt. He turned away again and said, "Besides, your first kiss should be with someone you really like. You should kiss them because you want to, not because you feel you have to."

When he finished with his buttons, he looked over his shoulder. Philip wasn't watching him anymore. He was staring into space with the same look on his face that he got when he was thinking hard about something. 

Shotaro was thankful he didn't ask any other questions.

*

 

**two**

One moment Philip was with Shotaro as Double fighting a dopant, and the next moment the dopant was hitting them with some sort of energy-based attack. Philip felt the transformation disengage and the next thing he knew, he was waking up on the floor back at the office.

He immediately tried to call out to Shotaro through their link via the W Driver, but while he could distantly feel Shotaro's presence, Shotaro didn't respond.

Philip was on his feet almost instantly. He called the RevolGarry as he ran towards it. He had no idea what was going on, but he knew that something was wrong and that he needed to get back to the fight as soon as possible. 

*

Philip emerged at the field where they had been fighting. He immediately noticed that Terui Ryu was still engaging the dopant. It took him a moment but he spotted Shotaro on the ground nearby. Akiko was crouched at his side and shouting his name.

Philip ran towards them as fast as could and it wasn't long before he was at Shotaro's other side.

"What happened?" he asked Akiko as he scanned over Shotaro for any sign of injuries. 

"I don't know," she said, the worry clear in her voice. "The dopant attacked, you two stopped being Double, and then he just fell over. He hasn't moved since. I keep trying, but he's not waking up."

Philip shook Shotaro by his shoulders and shouted his name, but Shotaro didn't respond. Philip felt a wave of fear shudder up his spine.

There was an explosion behind them and Philip remembered where they were. He didn't know what was happening with Shotaro, but they couldn't become Double when Shotaro was like this. Philip needed to get them out of there if he hoped to figure out what was going on.

"Help me get him up," Philip asked Akiko, and together they managed to carry Shotaro over to the RevolGarry.

"I'm coming with you," Akiko said.

Philip didn't argue and told the RevolGarry to take them back to the base.

*

Shotaro didn't so much as move a muscle when Philip and Akiko dragged him over to the couch or when Philip tried shaking him and shouting his name again.

Philip ran some tests while Akiko stood over the couch and frowned down at Shotaro.

"He's asleep. Otherwise he seems fine," Philip told her when his vitals came back normal. The results did little to decrease the worry he felt. He knew that if Shotaro was sleeping normally, he would've woken up on his own by now.

"Then why won't he wake up?" Akiko asked, coming to the same conclusion he had.

"I don't know," Philip admitted. 

Philip knew that whatever was affecting Shotaro had to have been caused by the dopant's attack. He remembered the way the transformation had disengaged and the way it had felt to be pulled away from Shotaro's consciousness. Whatever it was that had hit them, it had impacted Shotaro while sparing Philip.

The next step was to figure out what kind of dopant it was. He entered the Gaia Library and inputted the keywords he knew: the name of the suspect, that it was a dopant, and that its attack caused someone to fall asleep. That narrowed down the results but it wasn't enough.

He asked Akiko, "Did anything about the dopant stand out to you or seem strange?"

She made a humming noise as she seemed to consider his question. "There was one thing," she said after a moment. "After it attacked you, it talked about the importance of endings and said something about 'happily ever after'." 

"'Happily ever after?'" Philip repeated.

"Yeah. You know, like the stories? I wasn't paying much attention though. I was making sure Shotaro was okay."

Philip wasn't sure what stories she was talking about but he added "happily ever after" to his list of keywords. It seemed to do the trick. A single book was left on the shelf in front of him and Philip reached for it.

He opened it and discovered that they were dealing with a "Fairytale" type dopant.

*

"Fairytale?" Akiko asked when Philip told her. For reasons that escaped Philip, she started to laugh and affectionately ruffled Shotaro's hair. She had seemed tense before, but now she appeared to relax. "Does this mean Shotaro is supposed to be Sleeping Beauty?"

"'Sleeping Beauty'?" Philip asked and Akiko pouted.

"How can you not know the story of Sleeping Beauty?" She started in on an explanation involving princesses and spindles, but Philip wasn't really listening to her. He was busy scanning through the book for any information that could help Shotaro.

It took him awhile, but he finally found a passage that seemed to describe the attack that had hit Shotaro and put him to sleep. 

"It says here that the attack can be broken by... kissing?" he read aloud, interrupting Akiko.

"Ah! True love's kiss! I was just getting to that part," she exclaimed just as Philip found the words "true loves kiss" in his book. Maybe he should've been listening to Akiko this whole time. 

"That's what it says," Philip said, his brows furrowing in confusion.

"That means Shotaro really is Sleeping Beauty!" She poked Shotaro in the side with a slipper. Philip tried to ignore the sharp spike of panic he felt when Shotaro didn't stir.

He turned his attention back to the book. "It says the victim of the attack can only be woken by a kiss from someone they love."

"What? Really?" Akiko bounced over to him and then peered over his shoulder, like she was trying to see what he was reading. A moment later she seemed to remember that she couldn't read from his book and pulled away. "I guess that means that Shotaro will only wake up if he's kissed by someone he loves," she said at the same time it hit Philip what the book was telling them. 

"It seems that way," Philip said, feeling a new wave of dread. He wasn't sure Shotaro felt _that_ way about anyone, and if he didn't, then there wouldn't be a way to wake him.

"Why do you look so worried?" Akiko asked.

"Is there anyone who Shotaro likes like that?" Philip asked, wondering how she could be so calm.

She slapped him on the head with a slipper. "I thought you were supposed to be a genius," she told him.

Philip frowned at her. There had been times when Shotaro had shown interest in women, but his interest never lasted long. The only person Philip knew of that Shotaro had showed an interest in for longer than a week was, well, Philip himself. 

Sure, Shotaro looked at him sometimes in a way that seemed to reflect longing, but Shotaro's feelings for Philip were not something they spoke about. Philip could tell it was not something Shotaro wanted to acknowledge. In fact, it seemed to Philip that Shotaro went to great pains to hide whatever it was he felt for Philip.

There was something else about Shotaro's interest in him that bothered Philip. When Philip liked someone, he tended to feel happy about it. If Shotaro liked him, he was pretty clearly _unhappy_ about it, as if he didn't want to like Philip.

Philip didn't understand. Was there something about him that made Shotaro unhappy? Was Shotaro acting the way he was because Philip was a man? 

"It's not me," Philip said.

Akiko snorted and crossed her arms over her chest. "Have you seen the way he looks at you?"

"Yes, but--"

"And you like him too, right?" Akiko asked, cutting him off.

Philip suddenly recalled the last time he had wanted to kiss Shotaro, and the instant feeling of rejection he had felt when Shotaro had pushed him away. Philip also remembered what Shotaro had said afterwards: that Shotaro wanted Philip's first kiss to be with someone Philip wanted to kiss.

Philip found that statement as odd now as he did then. After all, it was said to him by the only person Philip wanted to kiss.

"It's not me," Philip said again. He sighed in frustration and ran a hand through his hair. He could tell he was on the verge of panicking. If he wasn't qualified to wake Shotaro, who was? Philip couldn't think of anyone else. 

"It's you," Akiko said, and Philip didn't understand how she could sound so confident. "I'm going to check on Ryu," she said, uncrossing her arms and patting him on the back. A few seconds later, she was out the door.

Philip walked over to the couch and looked down at Shotaro. His head was resting on the armrest and he was motionless except for the slight rising and falling of his chest. He didn't look like he was dreaming. He looked calm.

Philip wanted to try waking Shotaro. What did he have to lose? Worst case scenario, he'd know they needed to figure out another way nullify the attack. He'd also get confirmation that Shotaro, in fact, did not feel the same way he did.

Philip reached out and brushed the hair from Shotaro's forehead. Then he bent down and placed a small kiss above Shotaro's brows. He let his lips linger as he thought: _wake up, partner_.

Shotaro shifted under him, and Philip startled backwards. He watched in shock as Shotaro stretched his arms out above his head and groaned. His eyes fluttered open a moment later.

"Philip?" he asked. Shotaro seemed to notice where he was and looked around frantically as he sat up. "What am I doing here? Where's the dopant?"

Shotaro was awake. He was going to be okay. 

The relief was instant and overwhelming. Philip fell to his knees in front of Shotaro.

Riding on the edge of Philip's relief was the realization that he had managed to wake Shotaro, and if he was able to do it, then that meant that Shotaro actually--

_Oh._

Akiko had been right, after all. 

When he looked up at Shotaro, Philip grinned.

*

 

**three**

Isaka Shinkuro had attacked them before they had even realized what was happening and the results weren't pretty. Isaka had gotten away, yet again. Worse, Philip had jumped in front of and been hit with an ice attack aimed at Terui.

Terui and Akiko had helped Shotaro transport Philip back to the base, and then Terui had taken off, furious and determined to find Isaka before he could hurt anyone else. Akiko had chased after him promising to contact Shotaro if they were in trouble, leaving Shotaro to care for Philip by himself.

Philip was buried under multiple blankets in the small bed they kept in the alcove off of the office. Shotaro had boiled water and had filled three hot water bottles that he had placed around Philip, but Philip was still shivering so hard that his teeth chattered. Philip had told him that a doctor wouldn't help -- that this was something his body needed to recover from on its own -- and that they just had to wait it out.

Shotaro paced the length of their office. He hated seeing Philip like this, and he hated feeling so powerless to help him.

*

An hour later, Philip was still shivering.

"I'll be okay, Shotaro," he said, when he turned over and noticed that Shotaro was watching him.

"You're not getting any warmer," Shotaro pointed out. He frowned. "I don't like this."

Philip managed a small smile. "You should get some rest," he said, like Shotaro could worry about himself at a time like this.

"Are you sure there's nothing that can be done?" Shotaro asked.

"Go to bed," Philip told him, and then rolled over to face the wall. Even from behind and through the pile of blankets, Shotaro could tell how much he was shaking.

There had to be something he could do.

It was then that he remembered a story Boss had told him years ago when they visited the cabin. It was about hikers who took refuge in a shack during a snow storm. Shotaro could only remember bits and pieces of the story, but he recalled the method the hikers had used to keep warm.

It probably wasn't a scientific method, and it was one that would definitely make Shotaro feel uncomfortable, but for Philip there wasn't much he wasn't willing to try.

Shotaro slipped off his vest and shirt, and then took off his pants and shoes. He felt silly standing in the office in his underwear, but his embarrassment was drowned out by his concern for Philip.

He stood at Philip's bedside and said, "Hey."

"What is it, Shotaro?" he replied, not turning around.

"I want to try something," Shotaro said. 

It was then that Philip looked up over his shoulder at Shotaro. He seemed to notice the way Shotaro was stripped to only his boxers. He must have realized what Shotaro was planning, because his eyes went wide for a moment before he shifted over a bit to create room for Shotaro in the small bed.

Shotaro moved the hot water bottles all to the side of the bed closest to the wall and then slipped under the covers next to Philip. He pressed himself against Philip's back, and the second Shotaro made contact with Philip's bare skin, he almost recoiled. He and Akiko had stripped Philip out of his freezing clothing. He had known Philip was cold, but Philip's skin was _freezing_. Shotaro swore.

"You don't have to do this," Philip said, and Shotaro could feel how violently he was shivering down the length his entire body.

"Don't be ridiculous," Shotaro told him, trying not to sound as awkward as he felt. He was stiff and tense, and he had no idea what to do with his hands. 

Philip made a small noise and then turned so that he was facing Shotaro. He curled up against Shotaro's chest like all he was concerned about was seeking out Shotaro's warmth. He wrapped his arms around Shotaro's middle and Shotaro almost yelped when he felt the cold skin of Philip's palm rest at the center of his back. When Philip was settled, the tips of Philip's hair tickled Shotaro's jaw and neck. After a moment, Shotaro tentatively raised a hand to the back of Philip's head, gently holding Philip against him.

Philip continued to shiver, and neither of them said anything. Shotaro stared at the wall and tried to focus on the fact that Philip was here with him, and that he would eventually be okay instead of worrying about what would happen if Philip didn't warm up.

As the hours dragged on, Philip's shivering started to subside and eventually he fell asleep, snoring softly into Shotaro's shoulder. He was still shaking, but it wasn't as bad as before, even if his skin was still too cold to the touch. 

Shotaro tried to keep awake, but as the hours wore on, his exhaustion started to get the better of him.

*

Shotaro woke sometime later. The first thing that he noticed was that he was warm, almost unpleasantly so. The second thing that he noticed was that he and Philip were still curled around each other. 

Shotaro gently moved one of his hands across Philip's back. His skin wasn't cold anymore, the shivering was completely gone and he could feel the warm puffs of Philip's breath against his neck.

Shotaro heaved a sigh of relief and without thinking about it, buried his face in Philip's hair. He placed a small kiss on the top of Philip's head and held Philip a little tighter.

*

 

**four**

They had been walking down the street in broad daylight when the attack started. Small concentrated bursts of energy exploded around them. 

Shotaro reacted quickly and before Philip knew what was happening, Shotaro had pulled them both into a recess by a nearby storefront.

"Are you hurt?" Shotaro asked as he peered around the wall of the recess, trying to locate the dopant that had attacked them.

"No," Philip replied. He looked Shotaro over for injuries. There was something sticking out of Shotaro's shoulder. It looked like a small dart, and it was glowing green. He reached for Shotaro's arm. "But you are."

Shotaro looked down at his shoulder and seemed surprised to discover that he had been hit. "What the--?"

"We should return to the base so I can check on this," Philip said.

"After we deal with the dopant," Shotaro said stubbornly.

Philip nodded and they emerged from the recess, memories in hand, ready to transform at a moment's notice.

However, there were no more attacks. The dopant, for whatever reason, appeared to be gone. 

They stayed on guard on their way back to the office, but neither of them spotted anything suspicious along the way. Philip paid close attention to Shotaro and the glowing dart in his shoulder, looking for other signs of anything else being amiss.

*

Philip extracted the dart and researched it while Akiko patched up Shotaro's shoulder.

"It's likely from the Truth dopant," Philip told them when his results came back. "It contains an agent that causes its target to tell the truth compulsively."

"Like a truth serum?" Shotaro asked.

"Exactly like that," Philip replied. "It also contains a chemical that intoxicates its target, presumably to make it easier for the dopant to gain access to the target."

Shotaro huffed as he buttoned up his shirt over his new bandage. "I feel fine." He stood up from the couch, took three steps forward and then almost tripped over his own feet. Akiko moved to his side, and Shotaro leaned heavily against her. "Except that I feel dizzy all of a sudden," Shotaro said, blinking his eyes like he was having trouble focusing.

Akiko helped him back over to the couch.

"Why would a dopant want to make Shotaro tell the truth?" Akiko asked.

Shotaro sighed and Philip knew that he, too, had figured it out. "They weren't after me, were they?" he asked.

"It's likely that I was their intended target," Philip said. He figured that the dopant -- or whoever it was working for -- probably wanted access to the Gaia Library. Making him docile and unable to withhold information would definitely make that easier. Though the attack did raise questions about how this dopant knew about him in the first place.

"If it's any consolation, the effects of the dart should wear off in a few hours," Philip told Shotaro. He knew that Shotaro probably wouldn't find this information particularly comforting, but it had made Philip's worry decrease.

"So I have to wait?" Shotaro asked.

"It shouldn't be long," Philip reassured him.

Akiko said, "Wait a second. Does this mean Shotaro can't lie right now?" She started rubbing her hands together.

"Oi!" Shotaro shouted, obviously noticing the mischievous glint in her eyes.

"Perhaps you should leave until the effects wear off," Philip suggested to Akiko.

She pouted. "You're no fun."

"Get out already," Shotaro said to her.

She walked over to the door. She paused in the doorframe and, in a tone lacking the silliness it had earlier, she said to Shotaro, "You're one half of my top detective. You better be back on your feet soon."

*

An hour later, Philip was glad he had asked Akiko to leave. About twenty minutes after she had left, Shotaro had started talking, jumping from one subject to the next seemingly randomly, as if he was compelled to speak about whatever thought was passing through his head. His speech was increasingly slurred, which was a clear sign that the toxin was working its way through his system. Philip knew that Shotaro, who valued his hard-boiled image, wouldn't want people to see or hear him when he was like this. 

Philip tried to give Shotaro some privacy while keeping an eye on him at the same time. He did his best to ignore what Shotaro was saying, concentrating instead writing down all the information he had on the Truth dopant and how they might connect it with their current case. 

At some point, Shotaro stopped talking. Philip glanced over at him. Shotaro was slumped against the back of the couch and openly staring at Philip, watching him as he wrote notes on the whiteboard.

Philip raised an eyebrow in his direction. "How are you feeling?"

"Awful. How long until this stuff wears off?" His voice was still slurred.

Philip wasn't a hundred percent sure. "Another hour at least."

Shotaro made an unhappy noise and placed his fedora over his face. He said, voice slightly muffled from under his hat, "You're my partner. I should trust you."

Something about the words and the sober tone caught Philip's attention. He stopped writing and gave Shotaro his full attention. "You don't trust me?" he asked.

"I do," Shotaro said. His face was still hidden by his hat so Philip couldn't see his expression. "I just... I can't..."

"You can't what?" Philip asked, and it was only after the question left his mouth that he remembered that Shotaro had to answer.

"I can't show you," Shotaro said. "I can't tell you. You're not interested. And even if you were, I'd never know if it was because you actually felt that way or if you only felt that way because I wanted you to. After everything you've been through, I need to make sure you have free will."

"Shotaro?" Philip asked, surprised. 

Shotaro asked, "Do you remember when you were interested in the Heaven's Tornado?"

Philip couldn't tell if this was a subject change or not. "I do."

"You were so passionate. For days, it was the only thing you focused on -- the only thing that drove you. A week later, you couldn't care less about it."

Philip felt something heavy settle in the pit of his stomach like a stone. "Wait. You think that I would... you think I'm incapable of--" Philip cut himself off as the realization hit him. "You think I can't return your feelings."

Shotaro sighed and then said, "You know, I hate myself when I like you."

Philip had suspected as much, but hearing it aloud still hurt. Coming directly after Shotaro's other confession, it felt like a punch to the gut. Philip dropped the marker he was holding and it clattered against the metal scaffolding at his feet. His hands became fists at his sides as anger and disappointment washed over him. He took a deep breath to calm himself down and asked, "Why?"

Shotaro's head lolled to one side and the fedora slipped off his face and fell onto his lap. "You're in my care. It's my job to protect you. I won't take advantage of that relationship, and I hate myself for sometimes wanting something more." He was staring out into space, his lips pursing the way they did when he was sad. Philip realized that Shotaro's eyes were glassy and that his expression was one of anguish. 

Suddenly, all of the anger and displeasure Philip had felt moments ago disappeared. The heavy feeling that had been churning in his stomach vanished like it had never been there at all. In its wake, he felt surprise but also something else -- something much lighter.

Shotaro was suppressing his feelings because he was scared of hurting Philip. 

Philip wanted to laugh, because that said a lot about Shotaro: he cared so much about Philip that he was willing to make himself miserable if he thought that that was what was best for Philip. 

It explained both Shotaro's actions and his inaction. It explained everything.

Shotaro started snoring, his head resting against the back of the couch.

Philip smiled at him. He walked over to the couch and picked up one of Shotaro's hands from where it was resting at his side. Shotaro didn't wake when Philip brushed his lips against his knuckles. 

While he could understand where Shotaro was coming from, from Philip's perspective, Shotaro was only half-right. It was too simple to think that he was in Shotaro's care. While it was true that Shotaro looked out for him, he also looked out for Shotaro. They needed each other. They were partners, after all. 

Moreover, Shotaro had somehow convinced himself that Philip couldn't feel that way about him. Philip felt a flash of irritation. It was ironic that Shotaro thought he was protecting Philip's free will when in reality he was denying it at the same time.

Philip's next steps were clear: he had to find a way to prove to Shotaro that he wasn't acting in Philip's best interests, and that making himself miserable wasn't doing either of them any favours. 

He knew he should talk to Shotaro about it after he was free from the effects of the dopant, but he also knew that it would take a long time for someone as stubborn as Shotaro to understand and accept Philip's point of view. 

Philip wondered if there was a faster method he could use to convey his thoughts to Shotaro and he began to ponder if there was a way he could simply _show_ Shotaro how he felt.

*

 

**five**

Shotaro stared at his notes for their current case, but he wasn't really seeing them. He'd been reading the same page for the better part of the last hour.

He couldn't focus. Not when he remembered all the things he had said to Philip the day before when he had been drugged by the dopant. While it was true that Philip already knew about his feelings, the things he had said were not things he had ever meant to say aloud to anyone, and especially not to Philip.

"We need to talk."

It said something about how distracted Shotaro was that he hadn't noticed Philip approaching. When Shotaro looked up from his notes, Philip was standing in front of his desk. His arms were crossed and he wore a determined expression on his face.

Shotaro rubbed at his forehead. "Forget everything I said yesterday."

"I can't do that," Philip said.

Shotaro sighed. "Philip."

"I heard what you said, and I know that it was what you really think." Philip's brows furrowed unhappily. It was obvious that he was upset about this.

Shotaro really, really did not want to have this conversation.

Philip continued, "You seem to think that when it comes to my feelings for people, I can't think for myself or make my own decisions. You're treating me like a child."

Philip put his hands down on Shotaro's desk and leaned forward, getting in Shotaro's face. "I am not a child," Philip told him, anger and frustration clear in his voice. "I can think, feel and make decisions for myself."

Shotaro startled backwards into the backrest of his chair. He opened his mouth to defend himself, but quickly closed it. Philip wasn't wrong. This was the one area where he didn't trust Philip to think for himself. 

Shotaro buried his face in his hands. "You're right," he whispered, feeling awful.

"Another thing," Philip said. He waited until Shotaro looked at him over his fingers before continuing. "I hate that you're beating yourself up over your feelings for me."

Shotaro said, "I--"

"No," Philip said, cutting him off. "I am your _partner_. In every other context you seem to get this, but when it comes to this -- when it comes to you and your feelings -- you don't seem to understand at all. Yes, it's your job to take care of me, but you're forgetting that it's also my job to take care of you. We take care of each other. We are _equals_."

Philip was right again. Shotaro nodded uncomfortably, not trusting himself to speak. He felt even worse and knew he deserved to feel that way. 

"One final thing," Philip said, and although his tone was gentler now, Shotaro tried to brace himself for learning about what other parts of their relationship he had totally messed up. He kept his eyes fixed on Philip as Philip stood up straight, took a deep breath and said, "I like you." 

Shotaro blinked at him. "What?"

Philip walked around the desk and Shotaro slowly turned in his chair to face him. Philip said, "You seem to think that I'm incapable of feeling anything for you and you also seem to think that if I felt anything for you, I would treat it like a temporary obsession, but you're wrong."

Without breaking eye contact with Shotaro, Philip stepped into Shotaro's space. He bent down, reached into Shotaro's vest and pulled out his Driver. He pushed the Driver against Shotaro's belly and it automatically activated, the belt circling his waist. A moment later, Shotaro saw Philip's own Driver materialize. 

Just as Shotaro was about to ask Philip what he was doing, Philip said, " _I'm your partner._ " He didn't open his mouth. He was speaking to Shotaro through their connection.

" _Of course you are,_ " Shotaro replied across their link, bewildered.

" _I like you,_ " Philip said again. Then he closed his eyes like he did when he was accessing the Gaia Library. Immediately, Shotaro felt something warm through the link.

" _What is this?_ " he asked, but he knew the answer already. Philip was letting Shotaro feel his emotions.

Underneath the warmth was a sense of belonging, completeness and _home_ , and these feelings were overlaid with happiness and other emotions that Shotaro couldn't immediately parse. The feelings began to increase in intensity and Shotaro let them wash over him. The guilt and anger he had felt at himself moments ago seemed to fade in their presence. 

There were also wisps of memories embedded in the emotions. 

One was of the day they met. He felt the wonder Philip had experienced the first time they transformed into Double -- the first time their minds were joined. 

Other memories were of the ways Philip had felt when Shotaro had given him a place to live, a job to do, and a friend to be.

Many of the memories were of bits and pieces of their fights as Double. Even more were of little moments between them in the office or in town. Most of them were banal, everyday things, but filtered through Philip's perception they seemed to glow.

All of them were about Shotaro.

It hit Shotaro then that Philip didn't just like him, he _loved_ him, body and soul and with everything he was. 

Shotaro's eyes went wide, and he gasped, feeling like the sound was being torn from his throat.

Shotaro could feel his own emotions crash into Philip's. His surprise, disbelief and cautious happiness tangled and merged with Philip's joy and yearning. 

" _Do you get it now?_ " Philip asked him.

Awed in the presence of Philip's feelings, Shotaro couldn't find the words he needed to answer. 

He got it. How could he have ever thought that Philip couldn't feel something like this? 

How could he have ever denied Philip his right to choose him, if that's what he really wanted?

" _You finally understand_ ," Philip said, obviously overhearing Shotaro's thoughts. Shotaro felt another burst of joy from Philip, and then exasperation. " _You know, Shotaro, this shouldn't have been an issue in the first place._ "

Shotaro's guilt gnawed at him even under the warmth of Philip's feelings. " _I haven't been fair to you,_ " he said. He was sorry. He truly was. He wished he knew how to tell Philip this. He wished he knew how to fix what he had broken.

" _We're not broken,_ " Philip said forcefully, interrupting him from his thoughts. " _And we can fix this. Together._ " Philip's emotions flared in Shotaro's mind and Shotaro could feel that Philip wasn't angry with him. Philip didn't want Shotaro to be upset at himself or want him to grovel for forgiveness. What he wanted was for Shotaro to give him a chance -- to give _them_ a chance. 

Even after he messed up so badly, Philip was offering him something -- something he hadn't even dared to hope for before.

Shotaro felt a rush of affection for Philip so deep that he couldn't begin to comprehend it. " _Together,_ " he echoed. " _Partner._ "

Philip's delight at hearing those words filtered into Shotaro's mind, and suddenly things didn't seem so hopeless -- suddenly Shotaro felt like he could do anything.

Philip opened his eyes and beamed down at him. " _Partner._ " 

Aloud, Philip said, "I want you to kiss me." 

Shotaro's mouth went dry and he swallowed, but this time, he didn't hesitate. Without breaking eye contact with Philip, he slowly slid his chair back and got to his feet. He closed the space between them, and put his hands on Philip's hips, just below his Driver. Then he tilted his head and pressed his mouth against Philip's. 

He wasn't good with words when it came to things like this, so he tried to convey through his actions and his thoughts how privileged he felt to be loved so deeply by someone like Philip, and how much he wanted anything that Philip was willing to give him. 

Philip whimpered, put his hands on either side of Shotaro's face and deepened the kiss. Through their link, Shotaro could feel how much Philip was enjoying this, and it made the kiss feel more intimate, intense, and passionate.

When they pulled apart, Philip grinned at him and then pushed Shotaro back down into his chair. Shotaro briefly wondered why he was suddenly sitting down, but then Philip crawled onto his lap and brought their lips together again.


End file.
